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But it can also lead to conflict.

Is it right to date someone new when you're not over your ex? - Chicago Tribune

When one partner starts to lose steam, negativity can set in quickly. So the partner who decides to skip the gym and sleep in on Sundays might start mocking you because they start to feel bad about themselves and choose to take it out on you. Likewise, you broaching the subject can lead to problems of its own. When it comes to drinking, eating disorders, or any kind of drug use , it can be really tough to walk away. In some cases, they might never be. Rappers, stop glorifying drug abuse.


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Everyone, stop shaming addicts. Show them your love. Give them your time.

2. You're Overly Insecure

This might sound callous, but we always like to go by the Year Rule. Obviously, that is way easier said than done. Far too often, dating someone with unhealthy habits means staying in an unhealthy or even emotionally abusive relationship. A relationship is only as solid and healthy as its participants, and although no one is perfect, we each have to determine our own boundaries.

I know most of you can relate to this topic; some of you have been on both sides of the experience, and some of you only on one. But see the thing is, I didn't want to write about how to break up with someone, because I didn't want to seem like an asshole. Hmm … similar to how I never want to break up with someone because I don't want to seem like an asshole. Breaking someone's heart or wounding it, if you're in a more casual relationship really effing sucks.

We always focus on how to heal a broken heart after being dumped, but we never acknowledge how crappy it is to be the heartbreaker. This is why I chose to do my masters research in the area. Ironically, when I was writing the final chapter of my thesis, I got harshly dumped.


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Karma or timely comparison experience? Anyway, ending a relationship — whether it be a casual one or a marriage — is thick with anxiety, guilt, and conflict.

4 Rational Reasons Why You Should Stop Dating Right Now

And thus, what do we tend to do? Like me with this topic, we avoid. In the form of more serious, long term relationships, we avoid "the talk. We have unenthusiastic sex or no sex then lie awake next to them for the remainder of the night. In casual relationships, we stop answering text messages or provide short, uninterested answers. We say we're busy for the next couple weeks.

How To Successfully Break Up With Someone

We say we're busy forever. I used to say "I just don't like hurting people. I've since realized that sure, I don't like hurting people, but what's really happening is that I don't like guilt and anxiety and conflict, so I ignore or avoid the "problem" to gain the illusion that "it's" they've gone away And the reality is that they might go away, but they do so wondering what the heck just happened and sometimes send a string of angry text messages.

So before I offer some tips on breaking up with someone, I want to qualify this. I've been on both sides, many times.

Food is Medicine

I've had my heart smashed to bits twice, and I'm pretty sure I've smashed a couple. I've been on the receiving end of a casual relationship ending over text message, Facebook Chat, the "phase-out," and the "I'm gonna drink few glasses of wine while you tell me you're seeing someone more seriously now and we can no longer talk. And maybe it's because my current relationship has actually lasted longer than two weeks I wouldn't be surprised if our friends had a betting pool going so it won't seem completely insensitive to blog about it, or maybe it's because I feel convicted enough in my research to let the judgment fly, but either way, let's talk about breaking hearts.

Carrie Bradshaw told us that there is a good way to break up with somebody. But I disagree, and I think one of the reasons we have so many "phase-outs" is because heartbreakers believe they should probably have the face-to-face conversation but can't tolerate what they might feel if they do. So ease up on your expectations. Just set your goal to actually communicate to your in-the-dark admirer that you're no longer interested. Thus, the number one tip for breaking up with someone is to actually break up with them. If you can't do it face to face, do it over text message, email, or Facebook Chat.

This is better than a phase out. Let's change the culture from the all-or-nothing face-to-face or disappearing act to make space for the means in-between. Your ex will thank you, and you'll appreciate it when you're on the other end in the future. For example, don't say "I'm not emotionally available" or "You deserve better. Try something like, "I'm not totally invested in this, and I don't think it's fair to you to continue stringing you along," or "I've been seeing someone else and I think we're a better fit for each other.

Don't keep liking their Instagram photos and FB statuses, sending them messages "Thinking of you!

If you feel compelled to do any of the above, ask yourself if you're doing it for them or for you. I have a really hard time knowing people don't like me, but it's unrealistic to expect that an ex is going to just let a breakup slide off their back and switch to being buds with you.

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Being rejected hurts, angers, and confuses peeps. The more selfless thing you can do in this situation is be firm with your decision. Remind yourself that feeling anxious, guilty, and conflicted and anything else is OK. It means you care.

This happens all the time with addicts, too.
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